Divorce Prevention

(Sermons, List 1)

Text:  Malachi 2:13-16: 

And this is the second thing you do: You cover the altar of the LORD with tears, With weeping and crying; So He does not regard the offering anymore, Nor receive it with good will from your hands. Yet you say, "For what reason?" Because the LORD has been witness Between you and the wife of your youth, With whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion And your wife by covenant. But did He not make them one, Having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one?  He seeks godly offspring.  Therefore take heed to your spirit, And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. For the LORD God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one's garment with violence," Says the LORD of hosts.  "Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously."

Introduction

      The USA is probably the best place in the world to live today but it isn't as good as it used to be and it isn't getting any better at the moment. There are lots of reasons for this problem, many of which involve either illicit or unnatural sexual relationships that trespass against God’s design for the home. However, my concern here is directed mainly at the break-up of marriages and the breakdown of homes through divorce.

Men and women who endure the heartbreak of divorce never recover completely. And society suffers because of their damaged lives. Society also suffers when children of divorce, deprived of stable and loving relationships with both natural parents, fail to become good citizens.

No condemnation

      I do not intend to condemn couples whose marriages have already been dissolved for one reason or another. Some of them have suffered too much grief already. I would like to encourage divorced couples with minor children to put aside their bitterness and try to contribute positively to the welfare of those youngsters.

I would also like to encourage warring couples to consider God’s hatred of divorce and seek His help as they examine their options. And I want to encourage couples that are contemplating marriage to examine the risks and understand their obligations under a legitimate marriage contract.

Jesus statement

      My text is from an Old Testament passage that states God's feelings about divorce. Matthew 19:3-9 indicates Jesus felt the same way about it. “The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?’" And He ‘answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female.' and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? ‘So then, they are no longer two but one flesh.  Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.’  They said to Him, ‘Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?’  He said to them, ‘Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.  And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.’"  (Matthew 19:3-9).

Tragic

      Divorce is no respecter of persons. It is a declaration of the dissolution of a family and it serves as that family's death certificate. Most people who have experienced the agonies of divorce never dreamed it could happen to them so they took no positive steps to prevent the possibility. That is a mistake the rest of us cannot afford to repeat. If our marriages are to endure we must do everything possible to make them stable and keep them that way.

We could begin a reform by campaigning for reformation of the divorce laws that encourage infidelity and force victims to support adulterers. Marriage is a legal, and supposedly binding, contract.  The person who breaks the contract should be held liable, rather than the one who is betrayed.

Help

Aside from legislative reforms, to change divorce laws and limit each marriage to one man and one woman, there are two basic ways in which to help assure stable marriages:  First, we must establish and maintain good relationships, with God and with our spouses. Second, we must recognize certain basic dangers to marriages that can and should be avoided.

I.    Help For The Young And The Unmarried.

      A.      Marriage is for adults only.

            Marriage brings responsibilities that immature couples are not equipped to handle. They don't understand what they're getting into, or how to cope with potential problems. For your own sake, don't volunteer to care for the needs of a spouse and children before you are fully equipped to take care of yourself (financially, at least).

Examine your resources.  Can you feed, clothe, and provide adequate housing for a family? Did you consider the cost of medical care?  Did you allow for educating your children? Are you prepared to fulfill the exhaustive commitment to tend a house, a spouse, and children, with very few breaks over the next 20 years or more? My wife and I were married for 36 years before the last of our six children left home.  And that did not end our contributions to his education and his welfare.

      B.      Marriage is not an experiment.

            Don’t be irresponsible. Never enter into a marriage contract with the idea it can be dissolved easily if it doesn't happen to work out. And don’t play house before marriage. That practice used to be called “shacking up,” primarily because it was considered a temporary arrangement by at least one of the pair.

Cohabitation without commitment is foolish for many reasons, even when it leads to marriage. Some of those marriages don’t last as long as the shacking up period. Monogamous marriage is God's plan human beings. He ordained one partner for each of us. We must be careful to select mates who can fulfill a life-long role.

Forget any ideas you may have about reforming your spouse to meet your requirements "after the ceremony." That usually doesn’t happen. And, if your prospective mate shows any sign of excessive control or abuse, forget the ceremony and run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit.

Can you resolve your differences peaceably?  Do you have enough in common to enjoy being together for life?" Take time to pick the right partner and determine to stick it out  "till death" parts you. Vows of fidelity are made before God and other witnesses.  The Bride and the Groom swear to be faithful to each other as long as they both live.

      C.      Romantic attraction does not guarantee either happiness or success in marriage. Romantic attraction may be nothing more than chemistry.  Men are naturally attracted to women, and women are naturally attracted to men.

   Physical attraction within marriage can help but there must be something more to make the union fulfilling and satisfying over the years. That something should include a mutual relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. Build your relationship with each other on a relationship with Him. The mutual attraction of the sexes does not go away after marriage either; it must be kept under control.  Marriages fail when one partner foolishly gravitates to a third party. 

      D.      Happiness in marriage is determined largely by the way the couple works together for success. Some youngsters spell love S E X when it should be spelled W O R K.

      Success is neither automatic nor accidental.  It is not simply a gift from God for those who happen to choose the right partners (although that certainly helps). Success in marriage requires a lot of work from two people who want, more than anything else, to see their marriage succeed. That kind of determination will certainly help but it still won't be easy. It seems there are always discouragements to overlook and overcome. Try to limit your surprises later by learning to know your partner (and yourself) well before you sign on to live with him (or her) for the rest of your life.

II.      Guidelines For The Married.

      Discord is inevitable in every marriage. There may always be battles of some kind since most of us never learn to give up in every disagreement. There are no perfect marriages because there are no perfect people who relate perfectly to each other all of the time. So a marriage between any two of us is always at risk. However, there are guidelines that can help in reducing the risk. When both parties work together, consistently, to meet these guidelines, divorce can usually be prevented.

      A.      Recognize your responsibility to God for maintaining a healthy, loving relationship with your spouse.

God spelled out this guideline in 1 Peter 3:1-7: “Likewise you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your beauty be that outward adorning of arranging the hair, of wearing gold, or of putting on fine apparel; but let if be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible ornament of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror. Likewise you husbands, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.”

The emphasis here is on responsibility rather than on the rights and privileges of individuals. Marriage is a partnership.  Successful partnerships often require foregoing individual rights in favor of the union.

Ephesians 5:21-33 repeats the set of responsibilities specified by 1 Peter 3:1-7: “Submitting to one another in the fear of God. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.  Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it, that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that He might present it to Him‑self a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.  For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

I hope you noticed the way that passage began, in verse 21:  "Submitting yourselves to one another in the fear of God." Some men place too much emphasis on having a submitted wife. Of course, wives should submit where it is necessary for the husband to exercise his responsibility for leadership. However, marriage is, primarily, a partnership. Satisfactory decisions usually require responsible input from both parties. 

      B.   Try diligently to bring joy into the life of your spouse.

            Remember what the Apostle Paul said in Acts 20:35:  “I have shown you in every way, by laboring like this, that you must support the weak.  And remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.'” Happy people do not sit around waiting to be served; they are too busy serving others. Givers are happy when they have something to give.  Takers always want more and become upset when they don't get it.

      C.      Learn to accept the imperfections in your companion. 

            Your mate is going to disappoint you eventually, just as you are going to disappoint him (or her).  You will have to make the best of it if you want your marriage to endure. As Romans 3:23 says, we're all sinners.  Each of us has come short of God's glory.  The finest men (and women) in the world are short on perfection. Don't give up praying for deliverance where it's needed, and don't stop there.  Ask God for grace to endure what you must (short of abuse). 

     D.      Learn to forgive your spouse when it is appropriate.

       Forgiveness doesn't come easy for most of us, and we can be mistreated in lots of ways.  But Jesus said we should forgive offenders who repent, and ask for, forgiveness. (Luke 17:3,4) When you forgive a trespass you give up your right to retaliate and agree to try to restore fellowship with your spouse. Forgiveness begins with a decision and it does not require emotion. You can forgive when you are determined to do so in order to save your marriage. Note. Jesus does not require us to accept abuse as a way of life. Offending spouses who refuse to repent are on their own. If you feel you must love one, do it from a safe distance.

      E.      Treat your spouse with as much courtesy as you show your friends. 

            Your spouse is, or should be, your best friend.  If you have a closer friend you are making a big mistake. No one other than God Himself should be allowed to be closer to you, either physically or emotionally, than your marriage partner.

Normally, married couples begin their marriage as a pair.  And, no matter how large their family becomes, they usually end up only with each other. People will come and go in your life.  You will make friends and lose them. Your children will grow up and leave home to lead their own lives. All you really have is each other. So build a relationship that doesn’t depend on anyone else, other than the Savior, to sustain it.

Whether you are beginning marriage or about to complete a lifetime with your spouse, your best hope against divorce involves a good relationship with Jesus Christ. When Christ is at the center of their marriage a couple has a basis for agreement that should be able to withstand the   pressures brought against their union. Seek a relationship with Jesus first.  Get things right with the Savior and then get things right with your spouse, with Jesus as your mutual Lord.

If you really love the Lord you will also love your spouse.  There's no way around it for those who keep His commandments. Married couples should read the Bible together, and pray together, regularly.  Proverbs 3:1-8 is a good place to begin, especially if you can determine to follow the instructions it contains:

“My son, do not forget my law, But let your heart keep my commands; For length of days and long life And peace they will add to you. Let not mercy and truth forsake you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart, And so find favor and high esteem In the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh, And strength to your bones.”

Solomon may have meant that passage for his son but God meant it for all of us, especially for couples who intend to dwell together "after God’s holy ordinance."

Marriage requires trust in God and trust in each other.  Neither partner in a marriage can be happy if one of them doesn't trust the other. Husbands and wives who love God can be trusted to be faithful to each other. And that's the only safe basis on which to begin a marriage.

Summary

Let me remind you how Jesus compared His relationship with the church to that of a man with his wife (see page 3 in reference to Eph. 5:21-13). Jesus gave Himself for the church (He died for it) so it could become what He wanted it to be. If you want your marriage to become all it can be, give yourself (a moment at a time, at all times) to your mate. It may be difficult but it can be work.

Compare marriage to salvation:  Salvation is free (according to God's terms), but it is not cheap in any sense of the word. Men (and women) who receive salvation as a gift are commanded to work it out with fear and trembling. (Phil. 2:12). So work at loving your partner, in a loving relationship based on a mutual love for Jesus.

Last

One thing more:  The kind of love that holds marriages together is not an emotion; it is a decision affirmed by actions. So determine to love your spouse, regardless of emotions, and prove your love by the way you treat him (or her) day by day.

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David Beneze, 912 W. 3rd, Salida, CO 80918, 16 August 1994. From page 142 of Pastors Annual for 1978.  Latest update 27 March 2007 in Canon City, CO.